The Misery of Company

We were up early. Anticipation I guess you'd call it. Or eager junkies. Whatever it was we were calling for a ride at 7:30 am. Andy was sick. Not to bad yet but still noticeable. We caught a ride from the same guy that I'd met the night Andy and I first met at the In-n-Out. An Asian guy who thought heroin was fun from time to time. He never used needles and always overpaid so Andy could get a fix for hooking him up. We met Andy's dealer at about 9am, all got high an headed to the storage unit where the buyer for the stamps said he kept his gear for his business. On the way Kenny, the Asian guy, took us by Raising Cain's. It was the best meal I'd had in a few days. 

We arrived promptly at 10am. The buyer was already in the parking lot and called Andy just as I stepped out of the truck. I introduced myself as Andy was pulling the rolls out of his backpack. The buyer looked them over and pulled out a rubber banded wad of 20's and 100's.

"Thanks guys. It's all there. Give me a call if you get any more." The buyer said

As Andy counted the money I thanked the man and let him know we would be in touch.

It wasn't 30 seconds and we were back in the truck and Andy was shelling out my share of the $1,600 with one hand and on the phone with the dealer with the other.

"Where are you? Yeah I got it. I need a lot. K I'll be there." Andy hung up the phone and we headed to the hotel.

We had decided to spend $400 initially on drugs and $220 on a week at The Blue Angel, a seedy little rathole of a hotel Andy knew about on east Fremont st in the other side of town.  We sped over to the hotel and had Kenny check us in as neither Andy or myself had ID. Andy called back to tell the driver what room we were in. He was there in ten minutes. 

Pete wasn't the kind of guy you envision when you think of a drug delivery guy. About 6' 350 pounds 45 years old with a wheeze in his breath and a heavy New York accent with stains on his stretched out pocketed tee and elastic gym shorts.

Pete came and left in a matter of seconds and there we were with a hotel room, almost $1000 cash and $400 worth of heroin and cocaine. There was silence for bout 2 minutes before an all out binge was underway. I was quickly erasing my lack of habit. We shot speedballs nonstop for hours.  At about 7:45pm, Just before the dealers closing time, we were almost out of drugs and decided to call back for another restock for the night. 

Pete was back at the room about 8:30pm as his last stop for the day and sold us everything he had left, another $320 worth. 

The whole time, between shooting up and throwing up, Andy and I continued to share stories and BS about our lives. It's strange how doing drugs with someone can make you the best of friends. In that moment that person is not only someone you can confide in, but someone who is perfectly fine seeing you for what you are. I took happiness in that which for an addict, as I have learned, is a horrible and false sense of security.  

I woke up at about 10am to Andy cooking up a wake up shot and handing me my rig. I set it on the counter and headed across the street to McDonald's to grab us breakfast. This was my first time on foot on east Fremont. In about 100 yards getting to the crosswalk to get to McDonald's I was asked for money, cigarettes and if I had a phone. This was the moment I realized where I was. The depths of poverty, addiction and crime were thick here. Was this where I chose to be? The place where I thought I'd turn things around for my life? I came back from McDonald's and did my shot. Maybe just to get high. Maybe to forget about the thoughts the geography outside had stuck in my head.  

The next few days were more of the same. The night before we were to check out we inventoried our funding. $160 combined. We had done almost $1,200 worth of drugs between the 2 if us in one week. Deep down I was worried. Andy was too. He did not say it but I could tell. We Had nowhere to go. Nowhere to stay and at our current rate we'd be out if money by the end of the following day. 

We decided to have Andy's mom pick us up and take us to his parents house so we could get some sleeping bags as we had no idea where we would be going in the following days. It was pretty unnerving being in the same car as the person we had just robbed a week before. We told Andy's mom we were going to be staying with some friends and she bought it after lecturing Andy about getting his shit together. 

We left Andy's parents house on foot later that evening. To save money we decided to camp out in this undeveloped lot outside of Andy's parents neighborhood where we wouldn't be bothered. I remember talking to Andy about how much we both hated panhandling. We hashed over ideas all night about how we were going to make money going forward. 

The next few weeks were rough. We had ran out of money and were getting by on money Andy's mom gave him, Kenny hooking us up and a little panhandling here and there though neither of us wanted to commit to that. Was the party over? Had we settled in to being homeless bums? 

By this time I had thought about hooking back up with Rook and Becca back on Trop. Would they be mad? Were they even there? I didn't want to abandon Andy. We had become good friends.

Around noon we were waiting for Pete at the In-n-Out. Andy kept saying he was going to go to WestCare, the local free detox program, soon because he couldn't keep up with the grind of hustling money and panhandling. I told him he was full of shit. 

Pete showed up and when Andy got back he made a b-line for the In-n-Out bathroom. Before I got inside he had already cooked up our shots. His was really dark whereas mine was much lighter. I called Andy on it.

"Did you cut my shot?" I asked

"What? No dude of course not." Andy said

"Then switch with me." I said

"No dude I promise they are the same." Andy said

He attempted to put the needle in his arm and I grabbed his wrist.

"I'm not stupid dude! Re-mix them. " I ordered

"Okay okay don't be a bitch." Andy muttered and remixed the shots

When I got my rig back I could tell without question that I had assumed correctly. Andy had attempted to give me a shot that was mostly water and take all the dope for himself. Had this been going on all along? Andy did cook most of the shots and at that moment I had realized I didn't usually watch him. He had been watering down my drugs the whole time. I was sure of it. I felt so stupid. This is what my "friend" had thought would be acceptable. That I wouldn't mind or would not notice. After I did my shot I chose my words carefully.

"How many times have you done that to me?" I asked

"Done what? I've never cut your shot man. Never. " Andy said

The next day I caught Andy red handed. Growing straight water into my syringe mixed with very little dope. I didn't say anything but I did decide to get even. By this point Andy's mom was becoming very distant. Hard to get ahold of. Last time they had spoke she had confronted him about the stamps. Asked him how we paid for the motel room and how we had been getting by the last few weeks. Later that day Andy asked me if I would take the blame. He insisted that me admitting I stole them would not only get him back in the good graces with his family. He assured me his parents would not call the police. I was beside myself. I've done plenty of things for friends in my life but with the evidence I had found and Andy watering down my drugs I wasn't feeling like giving him a leg up. That was the moment I figured out how I was gonna get even. I told Andy I'd think about it and tell him in the morning.

The next morning I got up early and slipped Andy's phone out of his backpack, got his moms number out of his contacts and removed the cell phone battery and tossed it in a cup of water. I grabbed my stuff and slid away to the casino to make a call.

Andy's mom answered and I told her I had something very important to tell her and than I needed to see her right away. 

She arrived in minutes. Maybe she tried to call Andy's phone and it went straight to voicemail so she got worried. 

I told her everything just as it went down. How we waited till they were gone, how I waited as lookout on the side of the house and, most important of all for me, how Andy stole the stamps. 

She was shocked. I could see the mix of emotions on her face.

"I thank you for telling me Chris but why are you telling me this." 

"Can you take me to WestCare?" I asked

If you would like to contribute to my efforts at stopping addiction please visit:

http://gofundme.com/q9vqkg

Together we can make a difference.

Making Friends

As after any night of partying with heroin you usually wake up in a bit of a funk. This funk was immense. To top it off, the cigarette I was smoking before bed had melted the skin on my left middle finger. I wasn't as bad as it looked but pulling it off was something I hope I never have to experience again.

1 in the afternoon. I'd slept like a baby for the first time in weeks. Since I had no real habit yet I wasn't sick. And I had drugs still. Not Andy though. When I went down the hall to his room he wad doubled over beside his bed begging his mom to come get us on the phone.

"So I'll see you in ten minutes? K. Yea mom I'm fine. I just have a headache."

He hung up the phone.

"Hey man. Morning." I said

"Hey dude. Can u float me a bag I'm sick. I'll get some cash for food n stuff from my mom and pay you back in like 10 minutes and give you a ride wherever you wanna go." Andy said

"Sure man. You don't have to pay me for it. Consider it payment for the rig and letting me crash." I said and handed Andy a balloon.

"Can I get a white too? It'll help me wake up." Andy asked

I didn't really think at the time as speed balls were new to me but for a speed ball addict this was necessary.

"Sure man. I'm cool sharing whatever as long as we can throw it back n forth. Help each other out. What you gonna do today?" I said

"Try to figure out how to get some more cash so I can pick up" Andy said

"What like panhandle?" I asked

"Yea maybe." Andy said while pulling out his kit to make his quick morning shot.

"Actually I've been thinking of a way to sell these rolls of stamps I have. They're commercial rolls and I could get at least $1,500 for them if I could find a buyer." He said.

"Well who buys them?" I asked

"Mostly businesses that do bulk mailing like for advertising." Andy said

"You don't know anyone that does that?" I asked

"No not really. I don't think a respectable business would but them from some random guy" Andy said

Well that's a lot of money to let sit around." I said

"Yeah man. If you think you can sell them I'll split the money with you. You could just call advertising agency's that promote doing mailers. I'll let you use my phone and the phone book is right over there." Andy said

"Sure ill take a look for sure." I said

I slipped the phone book into my backpack while Andy was cleaning up his rig and spoon. Just then the phone rang.

"My moms outside lets go." Andy said

Andy's mom picked us up out in front of the house and drove us to the In-n-Out.

I would come to understand Andy's mom had little idea how far into his addiction he actually was. Before she left she bought us both lunch and gave Andy $60. It wasn't 60 seconds after she was out of the parking lot and he was calling the dealer."

"Hey it's me. Can you come to the same place I need 4 n 4 (4 black, 4 white)........ 20 minutes? K I'm here" Andy said and hung up the phone.

I sat down to read the phone book and see what I could do about the stamp idea. But my 3rd call I has someone who actually really wanted them. Apparently the rolls went for $1200 retail. I offered him 2 rolls for $1600 cash and we set a place to meet for 10am the following day.

"I got a buyer for your stamps. He will meet us tomorrow at 10am. $1600 cash for both." I said

"NO WAY! Seriously?" Andy exclaimed

"Yea bro. 10am. 2 rolls. $1600 cash on hand." I repeated

"That's awesome. Thanks man!" Andy said

Just then the ford pickup arrived and Andy went for a ride. Upon his return we went to the public bathroom to cook up a little celebration fix.

Shooting up in a public bathroom is easier then you think. Even in multi stall bathrooms it's not that hard if your quick. Andy cooked up a shot for both of us and we split it up into our own respective needles. I hit without much trouble and a split second later I was face down in the toilet.

"You puking?" Andy said

I couldn't say a word just then. I was so high that for a second I thought I'd done too much. Another second and I regained my speech.

"I...I'm... Good. I think" a stuttered

"Don't go dying on me lightweight we got business to attend to tonight" Andy joked

We spent the rest of the rest of the afternoon just hanging out. Chillin on the grass in front of the In-n-Out. Sharing stories of our past lives. Andy was a bass player in a Las Vegas area rock band that had gained moderate success. I told him that I was a promoter back home in Cali. This was the first time I had forgotten about the place in my life I was in. I had made a friend. Someone with similar interests and background.

Walking to Andy moms house took about an hour and we were almost there before we actually started talking about the matter at hand.

"So the stamps that we are picking up aren't actually mine." Andy confessed

"What!?!? Who's are they?" I asked

"My parents own a marketing business that does mailers. They belong to them and the stamps are in their office behind the house. My mom told me I couldn't come buy tonight cause nobody will be home and I know the alarm code so I'll go get them. You stand watch. Here's my cellphone and the phone number to the office phone is right here. If anyone comes home just call this number and I'll figure out what to do." Andy said

I didn't even have enough time to make a decision and Andy was headed down the driveway toward the office behind his parents house and I was crouched down by a bush with his phone.

The property was pretty big. At least a 2 acre lot. The neighborhood was quiet. I remember thinking about the fact that the value of those stamps was enough to land both of us felony charges if we got caught and Andy's parents called the cops or somebody saw us  and called it in.

Truthfully, other then feeling like I had been forcibly led into this position I was for the idea. $800 in my pocket seemed like a great idea. I was gonna need money for food, shelter and drugs and I had no interest in panhandling to make ends meet. I decided I would confront Andy later and for the time being I would focus on being the wing man I unknowingly signed up to be.

The heist went off without a hitch and we headed for Andy's pad about 4 blocks away shortly after dark.

After arriving at Andy's we got some free pizza from Andy's roommate that lived in the actual house above Andy's lair. I overheard their conversation from down the stairs.

"I'm moving out tomorrow and heading to Texas. I need everyone gone tomorrow morning. I tried to tell you this morning but you were sleeping. I'm sorry man but the bank is taking the house." Andy's roommate said

"Damn bro that sucks. There's nothing we can do?" Andy said

"Afraid not man. Unless we can come up with the $4,000 I'm behind on this mortgage." Andy's roommate said

"Well, we will be out early tomorrow. Thanks for letting me crash. You've been a life saver." Andy said and closed the door

"That sucks man I'm sorry but I heard you guys talking." I said

"Oh well. At least we can get a place for a few weeks tomorrow. That is if you wanna split the cost of a hotel. You down?" Andy asked

"Hell yea man! As long as this goes smoothly tomorrow I don't have anywhere else to go." I said

"Sweet I know a spot on east Fremont street that's cheep. We will go there and get a weekly after we meet up with the buyer" Andy said

"Sounds good man" I said

We did most of the drugs we had left throughout the night. I'd never thrown up so much in my life. In a way I felt discussing but in a weird way I felt like things were looking up. I had made a friend and tomorrow I was gonna have enough money to relax, take a shower and sleep in a bed. Maybe we could order pizza! The state I was in the "good ideas" were flooding in and I totally forgot to bring up the concept of Andy basically conning me into being an accessory to felony grand larceny. But in the world of addicts. What are friends for?

If you would like to contribute to my efforts at stopping addiction please visit:

http://gofundme.com/q9vqkg

Together we can make a difference.

Welcome to the Jungle

I've never been able to discern why I didn't try harder to pick up any more drugs over the next month or so. Maybe I was uncomfortable meeting up with Josh, maybe I was homesick, maybe I wanted to stay clean, I don't really know. I do remember continuing to tell myself that I did not want to go back to shooting up.

I had been using opiates in one way or another for over 4 years to that point but only about May 2009 (3 months) prior had I dove into using needles. I wasn't much a fan really, I could get more or less just as high and not worry about accidentally killing myself by smoking.

The truck was getting to be a little to cramped after almost a month so Rook and Becca managed to gather funds to get a hotel room for a few nights. I slept on the floor. I wasn't up for anything. I think I was coming to the realization of my decisions and with Rook and Becca becoming closer and closer I had never felt more alone. Now broke, hungry and all and all bored decided to set out into Vegas to find something. I didn't know exactly what, but I just felt I had to get out of that room. After all, you can only watch the same 4 channels in a hotel room.

Vegas has a smell to it. The dryness is hard to get used to at first. In mid September it's still well into the hundreds by 2pm. Regardless, I needed money and I wasn't going to get any money sitting around. I made my way to the In-n-Out at Trop and Polaris by 3pm after bumming a couple smokes and buying a few hot dogs with some change a had in my backpack. Now, nourished and prepared, I pressed on to the task at hand.

I must have panhandled around the In-n-out for at least 5 hours. Thing is, I wasn't motivated. I had a full belly.  I wasn't sick as at this point I had no real drug habit and I was depressed and it showed. I crossed the street just before sunrise to try to bum one more smoke from the lady at the Wild West Casino/truck stop. When I came back for the last round I realized I had lost my lighter. While fumbling through my pockets I heard a voice.

"Bro! You need a light?"

Looking up I saw one of the In-n-Out workers. Tall redhead kid about 22. Sitting off to one of the far tables. I thanked him for the fire and he said I could keep it!

"Thank you" I said.

"No worries man. You new here?" He asked

"Is it that obvious?" I asked

"Sort of, you got a backpack but you look much cleaner than the people that usually panhandle here. You drifting or what?" He questioned

"Something like that. I'm kind of stuck out here with nowhere to go." I said

"Whys that? You don't got no family?" he asked

"I do, but it's a rough situation. I'm here and for now they don't want to speak to me. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I have nothing. No ID, no cell, just what's in this backpack and the $7.43 I panhandled here today. That's it." I said

"Sucks man" he said

"Sorry man I'm not trying to dump my problems on you it's just a pretty crazy time for me right now. I've never been in this position before." I said

"It's cool man. In fact, no offense but this is the most interesting conversation I've had in a long time." He said

"Thanks I guess." I chuckled

"Have you ever been to Vegas before?" He asked

"No." I lied
"And this is definitely not how in in visioned my first trip" I said

"We'll then I tell you what"

The man stood up and reached into his back pocket.

"I'm not rich but I gamble on sports a lot and let's just say I'm a little ahead for the month."

He proceeded to hand me all the money in his wallet. $96. I almost fell out of my chair. Here I was panhandling for what seemed like all day and this guy just gave me almost $100.

"I don't want you to thank me and I don't want you to pay me back. In fact, I want you to blow the money! Put it in a slot machine, get a show ticket, just do something. Experience something only Vegas has to offer. Now my break is over and I gotta get back to work. Good luck my friend!"

And just like that he walked back towards In-n-Out.

I was beside myself. I didn't know what to do. I headed for the gas station to get some cigarettes I decided to call Rook and tell him I had some cash when I noticed a guy my age pacing around in the parking lot of the burger joint. Instincts kicked in and I overheard what sounded to me like someone on the phone with their dealer.

SIDE NOTE: This is a point where the real world would set in for a person who is not an addict. Someone who is actively trying to make a difference in their life would have fought their urges. I remember thinking as clear  as if it was happening to me right now about why I always seem to find myself in the predicament. Was this the devil having me in his cross hairs? What I think most people don't understand is that an addict DOES feel guilt its just that when this thing gets a hold on you it can take a very long time ( in my case years) before you develop either the fortitude to combat it, or the willingness to let God into your life and help you.

"Hey man you got a light?" I asked the guy

"Uhh yea in my backpack I... I think" he said

"Man I'll be straight with you. I'm new here and I overheard you on the phone. Are you picking up right now?" I asked

"Uh, what? N.. No. I don't know what you're talking about." He said

"Look man, I don't have a connect here and if your getting what I think your getting I'll buy you some if you can pick up for me." I said

"What is it you think I might be getting exactly?" He asked

"Black." I said

Just as he paused his phone rang.

"Hey...... Yea I'm in the parking lot... I need.. I need.." He hesitated and put the phone to his chest.

"How much you want dude?" He asked

"80 for me and I'll give you 20" I said

"You want all black or what?"

"What you mean?" I asked

"Do you want white?"

" white? Like coke? How much is it?" I asked

"$5 each you gotta make up your mind now he's here" he persisted

"K. $70 black, $10 white and $20 for you." I said

"Gimme your money he's pulling in, I'll circle around the parking lot and meet you right here in like 2 minutes" he insisted

I handed the kid the money and as he got into the sand colored early 90's ford ranger with a primer black driver door I realized I may have just made a huge mistake. I had just giving a fiending junky almost all of my money and watched him ride off without knowing so much as his name. Realizing my life could return to exactly where it was when I left the motel. All I could do was sit on the curb and wait.

After what seemed like a very long four minutes, the truck pulled up, the kid got out and approached me.

"This was his last stop and he didn't have all of what we needed but I got you change" he explained while handing me 5 red balloons, 4 yellow ones and $10 in change.

"The reds are the black, $10 each, and the whites are in the yellow ones. They are $5. You got a car?" He said

"No. I'm homeless." I said

"Rough man. You wanna come to my pad?" He offered

"Sure. Yea. Thanks! What's your name man?"

"Andy." he said sticking out his hand

"Chris" I said and shook his hand.

About 15 minutes later Andy convinced his friend that had given him a ride to the In-n-Out that I was okay and we were off. Another 15 and we arrived.

Andy lived in the basement of a large desert bachelor pad on the south west end of Vegas.

"Pretty spacious" I said

"Yea it's an independent 2 bedroom basement with kitchen and bathroom. You got any rigs?"

"No" I said

"I'm real low but I got a freshy you can have." He said as pulled his kit out of his backpack.

I had never shot a speedball before and truly, I was quite nervous. With a little help and explanation from Andy I drew up what most users would have considered about half a shot. Having not much trouble at all finding a vein I pushed the plunger down and waited to feel the results of what I had just done.

"Holy shit!" I yelled

"Yeah! Good one aye?" Andy said

A speedball is something like having a helicopter land on your head crossed with feeling like you just stepped off of a roller coaster mixed up with your limbs going numb, profuse sweating, and your heart feeling like it's going to explode. I guess it doesn't sound like much fun when you put it that way but at that moment it felt great.

"Yea man this is intense!" I yelled again

"Welcome to the jungle!" Andy said

The events that I just mentioned all happened over the course of one afternoon and into the night but for me there was no time to think. Not until I was lighting up a cigarette in the spare room Andy had allowed me to stay in. It seems that in that moment, no matter the circumstances, an addict is at peace. For me, this time, I felt many mixed emotions. In a way I was happy I'd gotten high. Most likely because I was in fact high at the time I was thinking about it. I also remember thinking about my future. Or lack of future. Where was I? Really, Truly I had no idea. Not much of an idea of where I was going either. That's the truly horrible thing about drugs. You don't care. Or if you do care its in fleeting moments between the next hustle or the next high.

I took another drag off my smoke and thought about getting up out of the recliner I was laying in to get a pillow. I was so messed up I never made it to go look for one. 

"Just ash on the floor its concrete anyway." I remember Andy saying. 

"Tomorrow we gotta figure out how to get back to town" I said

"Don't worry I'll have my mom take us in the morning." Andy yelled

I melted into the chair. and the last thing I remember thinking about was my mom. She has no idea where I am. Most likely still fuming from finding out I left rehab. I wonder if she is worried.

If you would like to contribute to my efforts at stopping addiction please visit:

http://gofundme.com/q9vqkg

Together we can make a difference.

My first encounter beneath the neon

With Rook and Becca reunited I found myself feeling like a 3rd wheel. Its not that they were treating me poorly by any means. In fact, it was just the opposite. Though we all had next to nothing we were cool sharing the little we had. Cigarettes, food stamps, beer; nothing was out of bounds and I think we were all happy that we were clicking so well. This would soon change.

After the second night of sleeping 3 deep in Rook's explorer in the east side apartment complex parking lot we had decided we should figure out somewhere to relocate before we wore out our stay. Since Becca was the only one of our crew that had any time living in Vegas she told us that she had frequented an area just west of the south end of the strip and would take us there and introduce us to here street family. One last time we piled into the explorer for an evening of shoulder to shoulder slumber.

6 a.m we were greeted by the maintenance man of the apartment as well as the manager and 2 of Las Vegas Metro's finest. They asked us for ID (of witch I had none) and what we were doing sleeping in the car. We fended them off telling them that we just got into town 2 nights before and that we were moving on that morning. We all came back clear on the warrant check and they let us take off but not before patting down all three of us and briskly searching the Truck. I cannot blame them. there was so much stuff piled in the explorer, none of which was fresh or clean I might add. Now I had no physical license, but they did verify that I did have a valid CA License however they were reluctant to let me drive off with no physical proof. Something about "unlawful procedure" which to me sounded like coptalk for " i just want to screw with you a little more". At this point in my life I had never been to jail, nothing outside of a couple traffic tickets that were paid, so I decided to lean on the cops a little in hopes of either getting sent on our way or taking the "trespassing" on my back so we would then be let go. It went something like this;

Me: "So we can go now?"

Cop A: "No, now sit down i told you, you dont have a license"

Me: "just not my physical license but your computer said the California license number was my valid current number right"

Cop B to Cop A: "He's got a current CA license and his picture is a match"

Cop A to Cop B: "What do you wanna do with them?"

Cop B to me: "Where you guys headed again"

Becca: "Trop and Valley View"

Cop A: "I see you driving around in this area after you leave this parking lot I'm going to arrest all three of you and impound your car. Got it??

All three of us "got it!"

Cop B to me " heres the keys. DONT let us catch either of these 2 driving either."

Me: "I wont"

And after 2 hours of searching, waiting and useless questioning we were on our way.

We Arrived at the In-and-Out at Trop and Valley view about 10:30am and pulled into the Rebel Gas station where Rook wanted to get a beer. I instantly noticed the high volume of homeless and wondered how many people Becca actually knew. It didnt take long to get my answer. As Rook headed toward the front door of the Rebel Becca stepped out of the van and was greeted like a celebrity. about half a dozen vagrants practically ran to welcome her "home". I stayed in the car until Becca returned and by this time I was ready to pop the question.

"So, can you get me any black down here?" I asked.

"I'm sure I can but are you sure you wanna do that you have been clean for awhile and you dont seem that sick?" Becca replied.

"Well, I dont have any money and Im not gonna Hustle for drug money and Im not gonna shoot it so if you can get me some for free then yea I'm sure" I told Becca.

"Your sure?" becca repeated.

"YES IM SURE" I yelled.

"Ok then I have someone that owes me down at the tunnels so as long as you are willing to come with me Ill introduce you and should be able to hook you up with something. might not be much but Itll be free" Becca said.

"Sounds good" I agreed. "One question though what are 'the tunnels'?"

"You''ll see. c'mon I'll show you." Becca commanded

we rounded the corner and arrived to a side street that looked empty. just a closed business office buildings and a 24 hour storage facility to the south side of the road and what looked like a sandy plot of hilly desert to the north side.

"we're here! you still wanna get high?" becca said with a smartass tone?

"its only been 2 minutes of course I do but theres nobody out here" I said

"thats what its supposed to look like. follow me and we'll get you some dope." Becca replied

as we went down the sandy hill back to the east pointing towards the strip I can remember a mixture of shock, fear, and amazement as we came upon the tunnel. if you didnt know it was there you wouldnt and if you did know it was there you wouldnt want to. The Tunnel was at that time the dirtiest, darkest, most sorrowful place I had ever seen. I instantly had second thoughts about what I was getting myself into. About 30 yards into the tunnel Becca put her hand on a mans back who was laying down on a mattress on the tunnel floor and shook him a little;

"Josh.. Josh wake up. Its me Becca."

The man rolled over and pulled the sheet back. Josh was an uncomfortable sight to say the least. 24 years old you would not be able to guess Josh's age at first glance. Shirtless, wearing just a pair of shorts to display his condition, Josh was badly burned over 75% of his body. The bottom of his chin to about halfway down his thighs were mostly burns or skin graphs and Josh used this to gain pitty points from the people Josh asked for money from throughout his vagrant travels. And boy did it work but we will get to this another time.

"You got any black?" Becca asked Josh

"No just some hard" Josh Replied

"Dont fuck with me Josh my friend is sick and you owe me" Becca demanded.

"Fine, Here."

Josh pulled a bag of tar out of his shoe and have it to Becca.

"Thank you" I said.

"If he needs more can I send him your way?" Becca asked Josh

"only if he has money. We're square now and that was my wake up now I gotta go back to work so I have something for morning."

"thanks Josh" Becca Said

As we made our way back to the car I couldnt help but wonder how Josh came to be in such a condition. Or if I stayed on the streets if I would have a similar fate. But at that same moment I had bigger things to do. I hadnt gotten high in about 2 weeks and to most junkies that is an eternity. I told myself I wasnt going to be using needles anymore and I was going to stick to that but I gave no 2nd thought to smoking that bag. See when you are an addict and you have made up your mind to use there is no 2nd thought, no remorse, no ill feelings about what you are about to do. The idea consumes you and makes you feel things only 1 thing will make go away.

I can remember as I put the lighter to the foil Rook saying I was wasting it.I stopped. I told Rook that I didnt want to get back into needles again and his response is something that had a profound impact on me.

"Whats it matter if you smoke or bang dope bro your still doing Heroin, your still gonna get sick and your still gonna have to hustle to get more. You might as well enjoy your shit."

Rook was right. I remember back to the "great" choice a had made in reno just a few days ago. I chose to be where I was and chose that I wanted to be getting high so what was the difference. At that moment I think if I would have tucked my tail between my legs and found a way back to rehab I would have maybe fought a little harder to stay clean but Ive always been an all or nothing type of guy. I put the lighter back to the foil and as the hit entered my lungs I can still remember thinking. Im all in.... again.

If you would like to contribute to my efforts at stopping addiction please visit:

http://gofundme.com/q9vqkg

Together we can make a difference.