I had been using opiates in one way or another for over 4 years to that point but only about May 2009 (3 months) prior had I dove into using needles. I wasn't much a fan really, I could get more or less just as high and not worry about accidentally killing myself by smoking.
The truck was getting to be a little to cramped after almost a month so Rook and Becca managed to gather funds to get a hotel room for a few nights. I slept on the floor. I wasn't up for anything. I think I was coming to the realization of my decisions and with Rook and Becca becoming closer and closer I had never felt more alone. Now broke, hungry and all and all bored decided to set out into Vegas to find something. I didn't know exactly what, but I just felt I had to get out of that room. After all, you can only watch the same 4 channels in a hotel room.
Vegas has a smell to it. The dryness is hard to get used to at first. In mid September it's still well into the hundreds by 2pm. Regardless, I needed money and I wasn't going to get any money sitting around. I made my way to the In-n-Out at Trop and Polaris by 3pm after bumming a couple smokes and buying a few hot dogs with some change a had in my backpack. Now, nourished and prepared, I pressed on to the task at hand.
I must have panhandled around the In-n-out for at least 5 hours. Thing is, I wasn't motivated. I had a full belly. I wasn't sick as at this point I had no real drug habit and I was depressed and it showed. I crossed the street just before sunrise to try to bum one more smoke from the lady at the Wild West Casino/truck stop. When I came back for the last round I realized I had lost my lighter. While fumbling through my pockets I heard a voice.
"Bro! You need a light?"
Looking up I saw one of the In-n-Out workers. Tall redhead kid about 22. Sitting off to one of the far tables. I thanked him for the fire and he said I could keep it!
"Thank you" I said.
"No worries man. You new here?" He asked
"Is it that obvious?" I asked
"Sort of, you got a backpack but you look much cleaner than the people that usually panhandle here. You drifting or what?" He questioned
"Something like that. I'm kind of stuck out here with nowhere to go." I said
"Whys that? You don't got no family?" he asked
"I do, but it's a rough situation. I'm here and for now they don't want to speak to me. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I have nothing. No ID, no cell, just what's in this backpack and the $7.43 I panhandled here today. That's it." I said
"Sucks man" he said
"Sorry man I'm not trying to dump my problems on you it's just a pretty crazy time for me right now. I've never been in this position before." I said
"It's cool man. In fact, no offense but this is the most interesting conversation I've had in a long time." He said
"Thanks I guess." I chuckled
"Have you ever been to Vegas before?" He asked
"No." I lied
"And this is definitely not how in in visioned my first trip" I said
"We'll then I tell you what"
The man stood up and reached into his back pocket.
"I'm not rich but I gamble on sports a lot and let's just say I'm a little ahead for the month."
He proceeded to hand me all the money in his wallet. $96. I almost fell out of my chair. Here I was panhandling for what seemed like all day and this guy just gave me almost $100.
"I don't want you to thank me and I don't want you to pay me back. In fact, I want you to blow the money! Put it in a slot machine, get a show ticket, just do something. Experience something only Vegas has to offer. Now my break is over and I gotta get back to work. Good luck my friend!"
And just like that he walked back towards In-n-Out.
I was beside myself. I didn't know what to do. I headed for the gas station to get some cigarettes I decided to call Rook and tell him I had some cash when I noticed a guy my age pacing around in the parking lot of the burger joint. Instincts kicked in and I overheard what sounded to me like someone on the phone with their dealer.
SIDE NOTE: This is a point where the real world would set in for a person who is not an addict. Someone who is actively trying to make a difference in their life would have fought their urges. I remember thinking as clear as if it was happening to me right now about why I always seem to find myself in the predicament. Was this the devil having me in his cross hairs? What I think most people don't understand is that an addict DOES feel guilt its just that when this thing gets a hold on you it can take a very long time ( in my case years) before you develop either the fortitude to combat it, or the willingness to let God into your life and help you.
"Hey man you got a light?" I asked the guy
"Uhh yea in my backpack I... I think" he said
"Man I'll be straight with you. I'm new here and I overheard you on the phone. Are you picking up right now?" I asked
"Uh, what? N.. No. I don't know what you're talking about." He said
"Look man, I don't have a connect here and if your getting what I think your getting I'll buy you some if you can pick up for me." I said
"What is it you think I might be getting exactly?" He asked
"Black." I said
Just as he paused his phone rang.
"Hey...... Yea I'm in the parking lot... I need.. I need.." He hesitated and put the phone to his chest.
"How much you want dude?" He asked
"80 for me and I'll give you 20" I said
"You want all black or what?"
"What you mean?" I asked
"Do you want white?"
" white? Like coke? How much is it?" I asked
"$5 each you gotta make up your mind now he's here" he persisted
"K. $70 black, $10 white and $20 for you." I said
"Gimme your money he's pulling in, I'll circle around the parking lot and meet you right here in like 2 minutes" he insisted
I handed the kid the money and as he got into the sand colored early 90's ford ranger with a primer black driver door I realized I may have just made a huge mistake. I had just giving a fiending junky almost all of my money and watched him ride off without knowing so much as his name. Realizing my life could return to exactly where it was when I left the motel. All I could do was sit on the curb and wait.
After what seemed like a very long four minutes, the truck pulled up, the kid got out and approached me.
"This was his last stop and he didn't have all of what we needed but I got you change" he explained while handing me 5 red balloons, 4 yellow ones and $10 in change.
"The reds are the black, $10 each, and the whites are in the yellow ones. They are $5. You got a car?" He said
"No. I'm homeless." I said
"Rough man. You wanna come to my pad?" He offered
"Sure. Yea. Thanks! What's your name man?"
"Andy." he said sticking out his hand
"Chris" I said and shook his hand.
About 15 minutes later Andy convinced his friend that had given him a ride to the In-n-Out that I was okay and we were off. Another 15 and we arrived.
Andy lived in the basement of a large desert bachelor pad on the south west end of Vegas.
"Pretty spacious" I said
"Yea it's an independent 2 bedroom basement with kitchen and bathroom. You got any rigs?"
"No" I said
"I'm real low but I got a freshy you can have." He said as pulled his kit out of his backpack.
I had never shot a speedball before and truly, I was quite nervous. With a little help and explanation from Andy I drew up what most users would have considered about half a shot. Having not much trouble at all finding a vein I pushed the plunger down and waited to feel the results of what I had just done.
"Holy shit!" I yelled
"Yeah! Good one aye?" Andy said
A speedball is something like having a helicopter land on your head crossed with feeling like you just stepped off of a roller coaster mixed up with your limbs going numb, profuse sweating, and your heart feeling like it's going to explode. I guess it doesn't sound like much fun when you put it that way but at that moment it felt great.
"Yea man this is intense!" I yelled again
"Welcome to the jungle!" Andy said
The events that I just mentioned all happened over the course of one afternoon and into the night but for me there was no time to think. Not until I was lighting up a cigarette in the spare room Andy had allowed me to stay in. It seems that in that moment, no matter the circumstances, an addict is at peace. For me, this time, I felt many mixed emotions. In a way I was happy I'd gotten high. Most likely because I was in fact high at the time I was thinking about it. I also remember thinking about my future. Or lack of future. Where was I? Really, Truly I had no idea. Not much of an idea of where I was going either. That's the truly horrible thing about drugs. You don't care. Or if you do care its in fleeting moments between the next hustle or the next high.
I took another drag off my smoke and thought about getting up out of the recliner I was laying in to get a pillow. I was so messed up I never made it to go look for one.
"Just ash on the floor its concrete anyway." I remember Andy saying.
"Tomorrow we gotta figure out how to get back to town" I said
"Don't worry I'll have my mom take us in the morning." Andy yelled
I melted into the chair. and the last thing I remember thinking about was my mom. She has no idea where I am. Most likely still fuming from finding out I left rehab. I wonder if she is worried.
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